Two years gone.. oh how I've changed..

Today I took some time to look at how I've changed over the past couple years, and I can hardly believe I travelled this far down this long road we call life.

It seems like just yesterday I was a nameless hopeful singing in a coffeeshop after the breakup of my last opera metal band, that little girl who had sang in front of thousands of people in Ohio yet never made it in New York, the place she called home. Several times a week she sang in front of a small audience with an acoustic guitar backing her up.. she was a star in the eyes of a select few.

Those few people also worried about her- she was extremely thin, pale, and cut up. No one dared to voice concern, not that she would listen to them anyway. She was doing what she wanted to do. Years of domestic abuse turned her into a compulsive pill-popping anorectic, and being in the public eye, she fed off the attention others gave her. The thinner she became, the more beautiful she felt. The more people watching, the more drive she had to dig that hole even deeper.

Her home life wasn't like it used to be. Her step-father was finally gone, but she continued to live in the past. Locked in her room all day with music and a journal, she found a twisted sense of inner peace in cutting her skin and recording every calorie eaten and every bit of exercise she did. She hated her mother for nagging her about not doing anything with herself. She hated her psychologists because they couldn't help her. She hated the world and everything in it. And most of all, she hated herself because she believed she was a terrible person and deserved this pain she brought unto herself.

What a way to live.. Sometimes it's hard to see the logic in it, but that's just it- depression and eating disorders aren't logical. Something happens along the way to fool your brain into thinking something that isn't true. In my case, it was abuse from my ex step-father. Over a period of nine years, I was taught to believe that I was insignificant, lazy, and no one cared about me. No one knew about what he did to me during that time because it was everyday life to me. I thought it was the norm.

Then I met J one day and we became good friends and bandmates. I visited him at his apartment every day because he had nothing but his computer- no furniture, no bed to sleep on, no form of entertainment other than his bass guitar, and he was struggling to keep food in the kitchen. He had recently gotten out of his second bad relationship (the stupid bitch screwed him over several times) and when he moved back up here, he had little money and no one to hang out with. He had been through many hard times of his own, and I felt I could relate to many of his experiences. Only a month after we met, we figured out that we completed one another.

Soon enough he introduced me to his friends and the band that he worked for, and suddenly I was thrown into another world. I like to look at it as my second chance at life because, in all honesty, I was going to die.

My new friends found out I could sing, and not long after, I was brought onto the stage with a few older, more experienced bands, and felt that high you get when a crowd of people are dancing in front of you and a group of established musicians are behind you, creating this groove that becomes this massive wave of energy that I cannot even begin to explain. It was amazing. And little by little, I began to feel better and more confident in myself.

I've had some awesome experiences with celebrities too. I hung out and drank shots at the bar with SOiL. I worked with a production company for a Disciple show, and got to eat dinner and hang with the guys a bit. I was invited on stage by Joe from Stemm, and briefly sang into the mic with TJ. These are a few of the many amazing experiences I will never forget.. and there are more to come. There are a lot of opportunities on the horizon.

Confidence and knowledge came like a whirlwind. I became a whole new person in no time at all. And with J giving me the emotional support I needed, I overcame most of my insecurities.

I won't lie- I still have my bad days. There are many days where I sit at home and do absolutely nothing. I've never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I believe I have it, and every psychologist I had talked to said there was a strong possibility that I do. I haven't seen a real doctor in years, and probably won't for a couple more, so it was never made official.

There are days when all I want to do is sit in front of the tv, get baked, and laugh at all the stupid commercials. And I do now and then. And I'm okay with it because I've come a long way and life is hectic. Everyone needs a break every once in a while.

I called my mom the other day and thanked her for putting up with me during my worst times. I told her how I resented her and that I can't even begin to explain how sorry I really am for everything I put her through. I wasn't myself, I was lost to the world. She told me not to be sorry because none of it was my fault, and admitted that she felt bad for not knowing and overlooking all the signs that were right in front of her. She's happy to know I'm doing well now, but she still kicks herself for letting it all happen. But how could she really know? She was working all the time and I was too afraid to tell her about it, and I explained this but she still feels guilty about it all. I can only hope one day soon she can fully let it go like I did.

It truly hurts me to see thousands of people going through the same troubles I had.. and if I could only tell them one thing, it would be NO MATTER HOW LOST YOU ARE, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. THERE IS ALWAYS THAT LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN BE IT.. AND HAPPINESS IS WAITING FOR YOU, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY TO ACCEPT IT INTO YOUR LIFE.

Poll: What web browser do you use?

TMI Tuesday #2

1. What was the first movie you saw on a date?
Oh geez.. I can't remember. It was too long ago.

2. Who was the first person you kissed on a date? [First name is fine.]
That would be Brandon, my first boyfriend. I was 16 at the time. (I didn't date much back in school.. guys didn't like me. lol)

3. Where was the first place you ever "parked" (on a date)?
I'm not sure.. I think it was on a plot of land that belonged to some super-religious people. (To this day, I swear it's a small cult.)

4. Have you ever gone on a date with someone you met via the internet? If not, would you?
I wouldn't really call it a date. We decided to meet up one day and we hit it off. We were romantic for a short time, but nothing serious. He made a better friend than a boyfriend.

5. What is the most romantic thing you have done on a first date?
One guy showed up at my door with a white rose, then we went to a cool Chinese restaurant where they cook in front of you, took a short walk, and then went for coffee at the end of the night. It was only a one night thing though- we had been friends for years and he wanted me to know how he felt about me before he left for the military. He did a lot to make our evening special and I'll never forget it.

Bonus (as in optional):Describe the best date you have ever been on.
See above.. it was the most romantic. Then there was that night last year when I went to that Tool concert with the guys. J and I had seats seperate from the others so we were together all through the show. We were BLAZED that night. Then we stopped to stuff our faces at a cool 50's style truck stop afterwards. We were pretty rowdy, but we left the waitress a good tip to make up for the trouble we gave her. All in all, it was an awesome trip. It's hard to top that one.

Blog Action Day

Hi kids, and welcome to Blog Action Day, a day when thousands of bloggers write about environmental issues.

I am no environmentalist, so I won't be writing in detail about ozone depletion or acid rain or the hundreds of other problems we have. I am going to explain some simple everyday things you can do to help conserve our planet.

Some of the things listed here may not seem like much, or too much hassle for something so insignificant. But think about it- little things add up. The more people taking the time to do these things, the more effective they will be.

1) Recycle. This is a no-brainer. Have you ever gone to a garbage dump and notice all the things that could have been recycled? People are extremely wasteful.. or lazy. I can't decide.

2) Fix any water leaks ASAP. If you can't do it yourself, find someone who can. This is usually an inexpensive job, and it will cost you less to fix it right away than it will be to let it go. A simple drip can add up to a gallon or more a day. Now multiply that by the number of days you let it go.. And some people wonder why their water bills are so high.

3) Instead of throwing food in the trash, make a compost pile. Your lawn and garden will thank you later.

4) Turn off your computer when you're not using it, or if you spend a lot of time online, at least turn off your monitor. Screen savers do not conserve energy. You need to actually turn the monitor off.

5) Wash your clothes with warm or cold water. There is no need to use hot water on your clothes. So why bother?

6) Turn off the lights when leaving a room, even if it is for a short time.

7) If you live in an older home, have the paint tested for lead. If it tests positive, cover your walls with wallpaper rather than sanding or burning it off.

8) Take your own cup to work or the store where you buy coffee. If you're an avid caffeine guzzler like I am, all those disposable cups add up quick.

9) Use recycled paper. It's cheap. You have no reason not to.

10) Don't use a wood stove or fireplace when air quality is poor. Also, avoid slow-burning fires. They produce the most smoke.

11) Use an electric lawn mower instead of one powered by gas.

12) Leave your grass clippings on your lawn. It may not look very nice for a couple days, but they decompose and help the soil.

13) If you must use pesticides, look for organic alternatives. Or plant marigolds.

14) Instead of driving to a nearby place, walk or ride a bike. You could use the exercise, and save the air at the same time.

15) Put your outdoor lights on a timer.

These are only a few ways to conserve the environment. There are hundreds more. What other ways can you think of?

Thoughtful Blogger Award

The other day, Chris gave me the Thoughtful Blogger Award (thank you!), and now it's my turn to present it to a few others.

1) I have to give it back to Chris because she's been so great in so many ways. Her link is all over my blog for many different reasons.

2) X - Such a cool, funny guy. I always go to his blog for a chuckle or two. Also a regular reader and commenter. :)

3) Nathan Pralle - I don't know much about him yet, but I've fallen in love with his blog and like his outlook on the world. He's also a model blogger- great content and often replies to his comments. I'm always happy when I logon to see that he's stopped by recently.

4) Steven Wilson - Another nice guy who's always dropping in here and on MyBlogLog. I'd like to get to know him better.


So.. TAG, YOU'RE IT! Time for you guys to spread some love.

The Saturday Special #4

~Creative Adventure VI~
Time again to use your imagination ;-} Fill in the blanks.


1. While driving home from work you stop in front of the city's hugh library building to pick up 2 books titled The DaVinci Code and The Andromeda Strain.

2. Upon entering the library through the front door you notice the lights are dimmer than usual.

3. Walking through the many aisles of books you hear slow, heavy breathing.

4. You check out your books, smile to yourself and quietly pass the old guy sleeping in the reading area.


Want to play? Visit The Saturday Special.

Blog Action Day - Get Involved!

"What would happen if every blog published posts discussing the same issue, on the same day?"

October 15th (that's two days from now!) is Blog Action Day, a day when bloggers come together and write about the environment. Are you going to join in?