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  • "The Voyager" Lyrics - I have it all- A song for everything And still nothing, Writing lyrics only I Can understand. Left dry and thirsty For something more, Someplace more....
    3 years ago

Quoth The Raivyn

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Two years gone.. oh how I've changed..

Today I took some time to look at how I've changed over the past couple years, and I can hardly believe I travelled this far down this long road we call life.

It seems like just yesterday I was a nameless hopeful singing in a coffeeshop after the breakup of my last opera metal band, that little girl who had sang in front of thousands of people in Ohio yet never made it in New York, the place she called home. Several times a week she sang in front of a small audience with an acoustic guitar backing her up.. she was a star in the eyes of a select few.

Those few people also worried about her- she was extremely thin, pale, and cut up. No one dared to voice concern, not that she would listen to them anyway. She was doing what she wanted to do. Years of domestic abuse turned her into a compulsive pill-popping anorectic, and being in the public eye, she fed off the attention others gave her. The thinner she became, the more beautiful she felt. The more people watching, the more drive she had to dig that hole even deeper.

Her home life wasn't like it used to be. Her step-father was finally gone, but she continued to live in the past. Locked in her room all day with music and a journal, she found a twisted sense of inner peace in cutting her skin and recording every calorie eaten and every bit of exercise she did. She hated her mother for nagging her about not doing anything with herself. She hated her psychologists because they couldn't help her. She hated the world and everything in it. And most of all, she hated herself because she believed she was a terrible person and deserved this pain she brought unto herself.

What a way to live.. Sometimes it's hard to see the logic in it, but that's just it- depression and eating disorders aren't logical. Something happens along the way to fool your brain into thinking something that isn't true. In my case, it was abuse from my ex step-father. Over a period of nine years, I was taught to believe that I was insignificant, lazy, and no one cared about me. No one knew about what he did to me during that time because it was everyday life to me. I thought it was the norm.

Then I met J one day and we became good friends and bandmates. I visited him at his apartment every day because he had nothing but his computer- no furniture, no bed to sleep on, no form of entertainment other than his bass guitar, and he was struggling to keep food in the kitchen. He had recently gotten out of his second bad relationship (the stupid bitch screwed him over several times) and when he moved back up here, he had little money and no one to hang out with. He had been through many hard times of his own, and I felt I could relate to many of his experiences. Only a month after we met, we figured out that we completed one another.

Soon enough he introduced me to his friends and the band that he worked for, and suddenly I was thrown into another world. I like to look at it as my second chance at life because, in all honesty, I was going to die.

My new friends found out I could sing, and not long after, I was brought onto the stage with a few older, more experienced bands, and felt that high you get when a crowd of people are dancing in front of you and a group of established musicians are behind you, creating this groove that becomes this massive wave of energy that I cannot even begin to explain. It was amazing. And little by little, I began to feel better and more confident in myself.

I've had some awesome experiences with celebrities too. I hung out and drank shots at the bar with SOiL. I worked with a production company for a Disciple show, and got to eat dinner and hang with the guys a bit. I was invited on stage by Joe from Stemm, and briefly sang into the mic with TJ. These are a few of the many amazing experiences I will never forget.. and there are more to come. There are a lot of opportunities on the horizon.

Confidence and knowledge came like a whirlwind. I became a whole new person in no time at all. And with J giving me the emotional support I needed, I overcame most of my insecurities.

I won't lie- I still have my bad days. There are many days where I sit at home and do absolutely nothing. I've never been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I believe I have it, and every psychologist I had talked to said there was a strong possibility that I do. I haven't seen a real doctor in years, and probably won't for a couple more, so it was never made official.

There are days when all I want to do is sit in front of the tv, get baked, and laugh at all the stupid commercials. And I do now and then. And I'm okay with it because I've come a long way and life is hectic. Everyone needs a break every once in a while.

I called my mom the other day and thanked her for putting up with me during my worst times. I told her how I resented her and that I can't even begin to explain how sorry I really am for everything I put her through. I wasn't myself, I was lost to the world. She told me not to be sorry because none of it was my fault, and admitted that she felt bad for not knowing and overlooking all the signs that were right in front of her. She's happy to know I'm doing well now, but she still kicks herself for letting it all happen. But how could she really know? She was working all the time and I was too afraid to tell her about it, and I explained this but she still feels guilty about it all. I can only hope one day soon she can fully let it go like I did.

It truly hurts me to see thousands of people going through the same troubles I had.. and if I could only tell them one thing, it would be NO MATTER HOW LOST YOU ARE, THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. THERE IS ALWAYS THAT LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL. IF YOU CAN DREAM IT, YOU CAN BE IT.. AND HAPPINESS IS WAITING FOR YOU, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY TO ACCEPT IT INTO YOUR LIFE.


tarsi210 said...

What an insightful, revealing look at you as a person. Thank you very much for that. I'm sure not all of it was easy to write, but it gives such a picture...or at least, the beginnings of a picture...of what and who you are and where you've been.

People always surprise you, don't they? You just know know what they hide until they tell you. Frankly, I would have pegged you for a very confident, well-adjusted, pretty person, which you are -- but it took a bit of time in the forge, apparently, to get you here. And welcome. You've done well.

steven wilson said...

Hi Raivyn
I am at a loss for words after reading this recent post.I never knew all this about you.
I am truly sorry that you have had to go through this.

You are an amazing young lady,and I pray that your life will get better with every passing day.

I would really like to here some of your music.Send me a link to some of it sometime.

Take care dear friend

Anonymous said...

Hi Raivyn,
I had no idea what you've been through in your short life (it may seem like a long time to you because of everything you've been through in your 21 years-as you get older you'll see how quickly 21 years can fly by and you wonder where they all went)
Anyway, I'm so glad you climbed out of your despair, and are doing so much better today. The love of a good man can help an awful lot, I know. I was mentally abused in my first marriage and felt like I was nothing, so I can relate somewhat, but you've been through so much more. Just keep focusing on your dreams, and take each day as it comes, and you'll do fine. Glad to hear you talked to your mom and worked things out; that's a big step.

X said...

Thank a lot for sharing. i could really relate to what you have been thru becuz i have been thru shit too.
I was really down beaten and kicked around but i hope to put that all behind me.

YOu know i had a rough day but reading this made my day...thanks :)

Raivyn said...

Thanks for hearing me out, guys. I go through short phases like this where I relive things that happened in the past. It's my way of getting over my troubles and moving on, and realizing how good I have it now, even if things aren't looking as good as they should be. I think it's important not to put things like this completely behind us, but in the back of our minds, so when we feel like the world is out to get us, we know that we have been through worse and can make it through our current problems too. Some days, it makes all the difference.

Getty72 said...

A truly moving and emotional piece. I am glad that things are going well for you now, it sounds like you have put a lot of hard work into getting there. I had a serious accident at the end of last year and have found myself procrastinating a bit too much since. Reading your post has been inspirational.

Best wishes, Graham